Packages with seaweed and tea leaves. Letters that no one could properly translate. Black and white photographs of a family she couldn’t remember. These attempts at reconciliation were sent in the mail every few years. Traces of a family my mother could have had. But the young boys seated on her father’s lap did not bear familiar faces or even have names. They were just that, traces.
Finally, earlier this year my mom receives a message on facebook from a man claiming to be her half-brother. Eventually we verify that he and the rest of his family are indeed related to us. We scour his profile for photos. There’s an album of my cousin’s recent marriage, the perfect place to see all our lost family. While we’re unsure who is a sister or a brother and so on, the old man is unmistakably my mother’s father, the man who walked out on her life.
He had attained a great age and in the subsequent scramble of communication, it was heavily implied that my mom return to Korea to see him before he passed. A combination of finances, practicality and indignation prevented us from flying her over immediately. We at least agreed that the journey should wait until this coming spring. So we contented ourselves with befriending the younger members of our lost family.
But now he has passed. Now there will be no more chance to see him. And yet, I do not feel grief. His blood runs through my veins, but it is his mistakes that have meant more to our family than his heritage.
If he had not been an alcoholic and driven my grandmother away, she might not have been homeless, might not have been desperate enough to seek a refuge for her daughter. My mother would not have been sent to America to forge a new life, that came with its own challenges, but a better life. She would not have the spirit of competition or the inner ferocity that allowed her to succeed despite being the only Asian of her generation to grace a small beat-nick town. She would not have been able to pay her own way through college. Might not have met my dad at that college. Might not have married him and had a child. Might not have sought to create a happier, stabler family than the one she left behind or was raised in. Might not have been my mother.
On the night I heard the news, my mother said she could not stop crying. I wasn’t sure what spawned her tears. Love? Perhaps not. More like lost opportunity. A sense of unresolved tension. A chance to fill the void left. A chance to forgive, to leave the homeless little girl behind.
So grandfather, I cannot love you, but I am grateful to you. You gave my mother a life. You paid with thousands of miles separating you and your kin and years of mild resentment mingled with longing curiosity. We spoke of your role in our family as only a missing piece of the family tree. But at least for me, you were an outgrowth of a branch, a canker on the branches that really rooted me to the ground: my adopted grandparents. They were the faces I saw every day after school in childhood. They were the loving embraces I knew meant safety. Theirs are the scents I recognize from around the corner. They’ll be the ones I mourn when they pass.
How strange it is then that when I think on you, I cry. I think, it’s not for you. It’s for my mother. For what she thinks she could have recovered by meeting you. Or whatever it is that makes her sad. All I know is that your passing means just this to me: I love my mother and my family. You gave us that and you needn’t have given anything else. I won’t look back in regret of a missed opportunity. But I hope you find peace.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Mini-Skirt
Today I will be brief.
A man may never feel freer than when he wears a dress.
Lesson: shake your booty with impunity and you will feel better.
Goodbye
A man may never feel freer than when he wears a dress.
Lesson: shake your booty with impunity and you will feel better.
Goodbye
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A Tribute to Steve Jobs
“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."- Steve Jobs, 2005
Today as we honor the passing of a visionary, I am reminded to always live my life with vivacity and integrity. This is not an easy pursuit but the struggles associated with these goals are overcome with the dignity that arises from being continually spirited and honest. Let us seize the day with every fiber of our being knowing that those days are limited. Let us create with the hope there's always something new to discover. And let us find inspiration, rather than sadness, in the passing of great men to forge a future built upon their legacies.
Rest in Peace Steve Jobs
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."- Steve Jobs, 2005
Today as we honor the passing of a visionary, I am reminded to always live my life with vivacity and integrity. This is not an easy pursuit but the struggles associated with these goals are overcome with the dignity that arises from being continually spirited and honest. Let us seize the day with every fiber of our being knowing that those days are limited. Let us create with the hope there's always something new to discover. And let us find inspiration, rather than sadness, in the passing of great men to forge a future built upon their legacies.
Rest in Peace Steve Jobs
Friday, September 16, 2011
Just Another Day
In just one day of living in NYC you may see:
A mass of people swaying awkwardly around a drum corps
A dealer not so subtly offer you drugs
A piano in the middle of the park
A homeless man curled up on a bench for an afternoon nap
A 99¢ pizza place
A ghetto bootie that does not belong to a female
A strap-on on and fake boobs on a manequin
A pigeon flitting fearlessly a foot away from your face
A jazz combo playing Afro Blue on the walkway
A huddle of theater kids dancing inappropriately to the music in the air
A few same-sex couples walking happily together unimpeded
A pair of kids practicing Capoeira on a raised platform
A line at Starbucks wrapping three times around the interior of the store
A little person not sanctioned by the university shouting at passersby as if he were traffic control
A quartet of semi-intoxicated friends (two guys, two girls) converge on a single point in the air to make out. All at once. Like literally four set of lips interacting inclusively.
A Broadway star buying a meal at the same chicken joint as you
A beautiful purple sky created by smog and light pollution
A high skyline blinking with bright lights, the biggest reminder that you're in one of the greatest cities on Earth- a city so steeped in history, so full of energy, so industrial and yet so beautiful.
Enjoying his bite of the Big Apple,
Jamin
A mass of people swaying awkwardly around a drum corps
A dealer not so subtly offer you drugs
A piano in the middle of the park
A homeless man curled up on a bench for an afternoon nap
A 99¢ pizza place
A ghetto bootie that does not belong to a female
A strap-on on and fake boobs on a manequin
A pigeon flitting fearlessly a foot away from your face
A jazz combo playing Afro Blue on the walkway
A huddle of theater kids dancing inappropriately to the music in the air
A few same-sex couples walking happily together unimpeded
A pair of kids practicing Capoeira on a raised platform
A line at Starbucks wrapping three times around the interior of the store
A little person not sanctioned by the university shouting at passersby as if he were traffic control
A quartet of semi-intoxicated friends (two guys, two girls) converge on a single point in the air to make out. All at once. Like literally four set of lips interacting inclusively.
A Broadway star buying a meal at the same chicken joint as you
A beautiful purple sky created by smog and light pollution
A high skyline blinking with bright lights, the biggest reminder that you're in one of the greatest cities on Earth- a city so steeped in history, so full of energy, so industrial and yet so beautiful.
Enjoying his bite of the Big Apple,
Jamin
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Another National Anthem
9/11
A day that will be emblazoned into this generation's brains like the Kennedy assassination and the Atom Bomb dropping were seared into generations previous. A day that changed the character of the past decade. A day in which many were disavowed of the notion that America was eternally and completely "the land of the free": that being here meant you were safe from the outside world. A day we look back on in remembrance, reverence, and caution. Ladies and gentlemen, on a day like today so steeped in history, so pungent with loss, it is important to not let ourselves become stagnant.
Ten years ago, our country suffered a great loss. We lost innocent men and women and symbols of our strength. Now, although these monuments are resurrected, we can never recover our valuable citizenry or the notion that we are somehow unlike everyone else- vulnerable. But instead of being defeated by these wounds, we can let them make us stronger. A loss of innocence doesn't just have to be a calamity: it can awaken you to the totality of life.
So, ten years after that horrible day, I urge you to take a good look at the world around you and the life you lead. While I will never condone the use of terrorism or think a nation deserves to suffer so terribly, the current state of the world and particularly our foreign affairs is a direct result of our nation's own decisions. Whatever you believe politically, I urge you now to not just let 9/11 be a bad memory. I urge you to let it galvanize your deepest potential as a thinker, worker, human being. What you choose to do with your released potential is up to you but that day shadowed some of the very things that made our nation great, and this day can be the turning point in which we recover it. If we want to truly honor those lost, what we can do is choose to uphold the national identity that makes us who we are. We can be strong, resilient, productive, and free.
A day that will be emblazoned into this generation's brains like the Kennedy assassination and the Atom Bomb dropping were seared into generations previous. A day that changed the character of the past decade. A day in which many were disavowed of the notion that America was eternally and completely "the land of the free": that being here meant you were safe from the outside world. A day we look back on in remembrance, reverence, and caution. Ladies and gentlemen, on a day like today so steeped in history, so pungent with loss, it is important to not let ourselves become stagnant.
Ten years ago, our country suffered a great loss. We lost innocent men and women and symbols of our strength. Now, although these monuments are resurrected, we can never recover our valuable citizenry or the notion that we are somehow unlike everyone else- vulnerable. But instead of being defeated by these wounds, we can let them make us stronger. A loss of innocence doesn't just have to be a calamity: it can awaken you to the totality of life.
So, ten years after that horrible day, I urge you to take a good look at the world around you and the life you lead. While I will never condone the use of terrorism or think a nation deserves to suffer so terribly, the current state of the world and particularly our foreign affairs is a direct result of our nation's own decisions. Whatever you believe politically, I urge you now to not just let 9/11 be a bad memory. I urge you to let it galvanize your deepest potential as a thinker, worker, human being. What you choose to do with your released potential is up to you but that day shadowed some of the very things that made our nation great, and this day can be the turning point in which we recover it. If we want to truly honor those lost, what we can do is choose to uphold the national identity that makes us who we are. We can be strong, resilient, productive, and free.
Monday, September 5, 2011
NYC!!! I'm HERE
If you can find me, I'M HEEEEEEEEEERE!!! Hello friends, family, neighbors, random people in Malaysia (Yes, I do have an international following, albeit a small one)! I haven't written all summer, but I will blog about it soon. Today, I just want to share with you my first week at NYU! It has been so fun. It feels like I've lived two months in a week. I don't remember exactly what happened when so this timeline may be inaccurate. Whatever. I just want to tell you what happened. Here we go!
Sunday- The original move in day was postponed due to the hurricane. Instead, my mom, grandma and I hauled up in our hotel watching movies. We did manage to snap some photos of deserted intersections and closed-down shops, but because the city was still in flux, it was a mostly uneventful day.
Monday- Move in! Lugging all my possessions around makes me want to run away to a Buddhist temple and give up on materialism. Just kidding, but it was still a challenge to move 4 suitcases up to the 14th floor and then aid my room mate, Nick, accomplish the same feat. After traversing 14 flights with luggage, we decided it was not unreasonable to climb them without at least once a day as an exercise in fitness and wellness.
After getting unpacked and making one last convenience item trip to Bed Bath & Beyond, I met up with some friends for the evening. A few hours of aimless trekking later we ran a gauntlet of Welcome Week High Fives from the student staff into the Skirball Center for Performing to catch Hypnotist Michael C. Anthony. Given the spontaneity, I had no idea what to expect. What I got was the most I've ever laughed in the space of an hour ever in my life. Highlights: People dropping to the floor in a dreary sleep upon contact with the hypnotist, a row of men experiencing the miracle of birth (or rather the pain of it), the extermination of the number six, sexy poses on a beach, the hero who saved his fellow hypnotics from a snake belt, a boy who cried a little too much and a sassy Bobby rechristened Cha-Cha. Hysterical? Yes. Real? Steph doubts it. Who cares? No one really as long as people embarrass themselves.
Wednesday- The freshmen had vocal diagnostics to pair us with voice teachers and get the faculty familiar with us. Unfortunately we were not allowed to watch each other so later in the week a reasonable amount of facebook video-stalking ensued.
Thursday- Throughout the morning we met with the program head to receive the results of our diagnostic. Besides getting our voice teacher assignments, us classmates bonded in the hall. It was the first time some of us had seen each other outside of facebook so naturally we freaked out at the sight of real people. Not really what happened, but you get the idea. Later that night we had a mixer with the ENTIRE program and I happily found them to be just as friendly and awesome as my class. The cast of Sweet Smell of Success even performed a preview for us to give us a taste of exactly the kind of work we'd be doing here. After the formal mixer it was off to a party where the socializing continued more freely but with less air-conditioning. I guess, if you can make friends with someone in a crowded room hemorrhaging with sweat, you can make friends anywhere.
Friday- My room mate, Nick, and I went to a jazz restaurant to hear some live music and eat some very overpriced salad. After, some friends convened in Steph and Nik's room for hours of rambunctious laughter. It wasn't this night but I know we capped our late-night-conversation time at 5:00 am at some point.
Saturday- Movie night at Kaylee's! A revolving door of attendants watched Little Miss Sunshine and were then privy to a private concert courtesy of Nik and Steph, two very fierce singer/songwriter performers. It's nice to hear random music in Washington Square Park, but it's even better to hear your friends.
Sunday- While riding with Steph on the subway up to the theater district, I spotted Andrew Ranells from the Book of Mormon. Exciting but bound to happen in this city. We get off and run into the Brazil Day festival. This creates a decent amount of road obstacles which delay us from arriving at the Catch Me If You Can box office to attempt student rush. Shrugging it off, we play the Book of Mormon lottery. I WIN!!! Steph texts fellow program buds reporting the news. Among the responses were "F***er!!!!", "F*** You!!!", and "I hate you!!". We eat at a grocery store. We see Book of Mormon. We laugh. A lot. Lanz makes me briefly ponder the odd coincidence that I saw Andrew Rannells the same day I won Book of Mormon tickets. We have a discourse on the inalienability of human rights, female mutilation and moral obligations in a global community. We meet up with some friends, John, Juliet, Nik, Brian, and "Room mate" legally named Nick. (Not to be confused with my room mate Nick. This Nick is John's room mate.) We eat at a diner. Steph and Nik unsuccessfully attempt to get Netflix to work. We bask in the glow of the day anyway.
This brings me to today where I went to a BBQ secretly organized by a Christian group on campus. Word of advice, if you're trying to recruit people for anything don't make them angry by walking them to a distant location at lunchtime when they're expecting food and make them wait for 2 hours only to receive pizza instead. As payback I filled out my survey with an alias but gave them enough real information to try and hunt down a nonexistent Jarome Speizer for a while. After that, I skyped with my parents, then my good friend Liz and shared it all with you!
This week has been so amazing. You know it must have been because normally I would try to think of a spicier word than amazing to describe my feelings. I've met some wonderful people, had great conversations, experienced a little of the city, and got super pumped for beginning actual classes.
The Adventure Will Continue,
Jamin
Sunday- The original move in day was postponed due to the hurricane. Instead, my mom, grandma and I hauled up in our hotel watching movies. We did manage to snap some photos of deserted intersections and closed-down shops, but because the city was still in flux, it was a mostly uneventful day.
Monday- Move in! Lugging all my possessions around makes me want to run away to a Buddhist temple and give up on materialism. Just kidding, but it was still a challenge to move 4 suitcases up to the 14th floor and then aid my room mate, Nick, accomplish the same feat. After traversing 14 flights with luggage, we decided it was not unreasonable to climb them without at least once a day as an exercise in fitness and wellness.
After getting unpacked and making one last convenience item trip to Bed Bath & Beyond, I met up with some friends for the evening. A few hours of aimless trekking later we ran a gauntlet of Welcome Week High Fives from the student staff into the Skirball Center for Performing to catch Hypnotist Michael C. Anthony. Given the spontaneity, I had no idea what to expect. What I got was the most I've ever laughed in the space of an hour ever in my life. Highlights: People dropping to the floor in a dreary sleep upon contact with the hypnotist, a row of men experiencing the miracle of birth (or rather the pain of it), the extermination of the number six, sexy poses on a beach, the hero who saved his fellow hypnotics from a snake belt, a boy who cried a little too much and a sassy Bobby rechristened Cha-Cha. Hysterical? Yes. Real? Steph doubts it. Who cares? No one really as long as people embarrass themselves.
Wednesday- The freshmen had vocal diagnostics to pair us with voice teachers and get the faculty familiar with us. Unfortunately we were not allowed to watch each other so later in the week a reasonable amount of facebook video-stalking ensued.
Thursday- Throughout the morning we met with the program head to receive the results of our diagnostic. Besides getting our voice teacher assignments, us classmates bonded in the hall. It was the first time some of us had seen each other outside of facebook so naturally we freaked out at the sight of real people. Not really what happened, but you get the idea. Later that night we had a mixer with the ENTIRE program and I happily found them to be just as friendly and awesome as my class. The cast of Sweet Smell of Success even performed a preview for us to give us a taste of exactly the kind of work we'd be doing here. After the formal mixer it was off to a party where the socializing continued more freely but with less air-conditioning. I guess, if you can make friends with someone in a crowded room hemorrhaging with sweat, you can make friends anywhere.
Friday- My room mate, Nick, and I went to a jazz restaurant to hear some live music and eat some very overpriced salad. After, some friends convened in Steph and Nik's room for hours of rambunctious laughter. It wasn't this night but I know we capped our late-night-conversation time at 5:00 am at some point.
Saturday- Movie night at Kaylee's! A revolving door of attendants watched Little Miss Sunshine and were then privy to a private concert courtesy of Nik and Steph, two very fierce singer/songwriter performers. It's nice to hear random music in Washington Square Park, but it's even better to hear your friends.
Sunday- While riding with Steph on the subway up to the theater district, I spotted Andrew Ranells from the Book of Mormon. Exciting but bound to happen in this city. We get off and run into the Brazil Day festival. This creates a decent amount of road obstacles which delay us from arriving at the Catch Me If You Can box office to attempt student rush. Shrugging it off, we play the Book of Mormon lottery. I WIN!!! Steph texts fellow program buds reporting the news. Among the responses were "F***er!!!!", "F*** You!!!", and "I hate you!!". We eat at a grocery store. We see Book of Mormon. We laugh. A lot. Lanz makes me briefly ponder the odd coincidence that I saw Andrew Rannells the same day I won Book of Mormon tickets. We have a discourse on the inalienability of human rights, female mutilation and moral obligations in a global community. We meet up with some friends, John, Juliet, Nik, Brian, and "Room mate" legally named Nick. (Not to be confused with my room mate Nick. This Nick is John's room mate.) We eat at a diner. Steph and Nik unsuccessfully attempt to get Netflix to work. We bask in the glow of the day anyway.
This brings me to today where I went to a BBQ secretly organized by a Christian group on campus. Word of advice, if you're trying to recruit people for anything don't make them angry by walking them to a distant location at lunchtime when they're expecting food and make them wait for 2 hours only to receive pizza instead. As payback I filled out my survey with an alias but gave them enough real information to try and hunt down a nonexistent Jarome Speizer for a while. After that, I skyped with my parents, then my good friend Liz and shared it all with you!
This week has been so amazing. You know it must have been because normally I would try to think of a spicier word than amazing to describe my feelings. I've met some wonderful people, had great conversations, experienced a little of the city, and got super pumped for beginning actual classes.
The Adventure Will Continue,
Jamin
Friday, June 10, 2011
Adultolescence
Today, according to U.S. law, I am an adult. A few days ago I was hired at a grocery store but couldn't sign some paperwork because I was underage. So today, I went in to officially become an employee and sign away a few liberties while I was at it. As most people feel at this age, I feel a vague sense of psychological renewal but mostly an ambiguous blot of development. My new boss told me that I could now sign the papers because I am "of my own mind". So, today is as good as any to impart to you my thoughts on the transition to adulthood.
In regards to my boss' comment (which was meant jokingly not demeaningly), mentally I feel exactly the same. Obviously. It's only been a few hours since my last conscious interaction with the world. It's not like I was suddenly thrown out on the street, forced to find an apprenticeship or else beg for food and lodging. My day today and the next few months will be the same as they always have been.
The truth is, being an adult to me is more than assuming the major responsibilities that naturally come with continued life. Everyone has to pay taxes, most people have to work for a living and anyone can make a baby. For a lot of people the responsibiltiies of finance and childcare are simply thrust upon them. For these kinds of people, life is lived rather begrdugingly. No, despite my aunt's retort "you'll change your mind when you start paying taxes!" adulthood for me is more than workforce subservience and childrearing.
My criteria for an adult are temperament and ethical duty. I believe an adult is someone who has a realistic sense of their place in the world, aspirationally and relationally. They should know about how achievable their ideal self actually is and who is emotionally important to them. If you are assured of these two things, you should be able to take life in stride. My second criterion means you should uphold a moral code of conduct. This is to preserve your own integrity and happiness and that of your greater community. For my personal ethic, I think this conduct should include a continued accrument of knowledge and active participation in the government. These tasks prevent stagnation, keeping you a relevant and involved citizen. After all, if you sympathize with my aunt and paying into the government constitutes being an adult, you might as well actually use your right to vote which I consider the main privilege of adult life.
None of this will happen over night. I think most people are ill-groomed to perform the duties I consider quintessential to maturity. Most of the people I encounter are in a state of prolonged adolescence, still trying to fill self esteem needs. Particularly in America this is a sociological trend. Our culture promotes infantilism so products are cross generational and consumerism can flourish. In addition, our improved quality of life has created a general sense of entitlement. Not to mention the failings of our education system which is supposed to create an intellectually vibrant citizenry but currently has less influence on our intellectual interests than youtube.
So, I will journey into the adult world and try to set the example I want to see. It won't be easy. Like I said, your hangups of 18 years won't go away over night. You're still essentially the person you were when you go to college. It's just a change of setting and responsibility. However, every day I will strive to be someone who expects more from himself than he does from the world.
Yours Truly,
Jamin
In regards to my boss' comment (which was meant jokingly not demeaningly), mentally I feel exactly the same. Obviously. It's only been a few hours since my last conscious interaction with the world. It's not like I was suddenly thrown out on the street, forced to find an apprenticeship or else beg for food and lodging. My day today and the next few months will be the same as they always have been.
The truth is, being an adult to me is more than assuming the major responsibilities that naturally come with continued life. Everyone has to pay taxes, most people have to work for a living and anyone can make a baby. For a lot of people the responsibiltiies of finance and childcare are simply thrust upon them. For these kinds of people, life is lived rather begrdugingly. No, despite my aunt's retort "you'll change your mind when you start paying taxes!" adulthood for me is more than workforce subservience and childrearing.
My criteria for an adult are temperament and ethical duty. I believe an adult is someone who has a realistic sense of their place in the world, aspirationally and relationally. They should know about how achievable their ideal self actually is and who is emotionally important to them. If you are assured of these two things, you should be able to take life in stride. My second criterion means you should uphold a moral code of conduct. This is to preserve your own integrity and happiness and that of your greater community. For my personal ethic, I think this conduct should include a continued accrument of knowledge and active participation in the government. These tasks prevent stagnation, keeping you a relevant and involved citizen. After all, if you sympathize with my aunt and paying into the government constitutes being an adult, you might as well actually use your right to vote which I consider the main privilege of adult life.
None of this will happen over night. I think most people are ill-groomed to perform the duties I consider quintessential to maturity. Most of the people I encounter are in a state of prolonged adolescence, still trying to fill self esteem needs. Particularly in America this is a sociological trend. Our culture promotes infantilism so products are cross generational and consumerism can flourish. In addition, our improved quality of life has created a general sense of entitlement. Not to mention the failings of our education system which is supposed to create an intellectually vibrant citizenry but currently has less influence on our intellectual interests than youtube.
So, I will journey into the adult world and try to set the example I want to see. It won't be easy. Like I said, your hangups of 18 years won't go away over night. You're still essentially the person you were when you go to college. It's just a change of setting and responsibility. However, every day I will strive to be someone who expects more from himself than he does from the world.
Yours Truly,
Jamin
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