I Am Really Misleading

I am number four. I am alien. I am being hunted. I am trippy orgasmic fit on the beach. I am soooo cover blown. I am need to do get the hell out of dodge. I am new name. I am John Frickin' Smith (as if that name wasn't gonna attract attention. Ding ding! Indian child molester or noble, but stupid, love interest depending on which version you watched.) I am in newly dubbed "Ironic, Ohio" (Ironic that I suggest a new town name that's quite literal much like the title of my film. I'm not sure I know what this word means. But pretty girl is stalking me with her camera so I play funny).

I am not knowing the meaning of surreptitious. I am friends with geek (who I probably beat up off camera). I am liking pretty girl. I am find out that I only love one girl for the rest of my life 'cause I am from sentimental alien plant. I am f@#$^d; she's a dumb blonde (oh wait, so am I). I am inexplicably endowed with super powers well into puberty so it must be for plot purposes. I am over an hour into the film and still in this crappy town. I am no longer worried aliens with gills on their face are going to sniff-I mean-snuff me? I am protector dead. I am he was killed by a spear in a truck. (Why was he assigned as my secret service when you could just stab him?)

I am is screwed. I am going back (predictably) for pretty girl. I am surrounded by police, my high school enemy, and villains no scarier than metal head biker gang (you know, the ones who try to scare away the world with shaved heads and tatoos 'cause they not so secretly have daddy issues?) I am is screwed so hardcore. I am had time to develop photos with pretty girl? I am is totally stupid. I am knowing now developing photos is bad idea because it gives semi-deranged alien enemies whose sole purpose is to kill me enough time to find and surround me. I am saved by pretty's girl's Australian sister. (Ow! Oh, sorry, you're not related?) I am also badass with amazing control over my super powers not to mention fast reflexes, parkour mastery, and unflappable hair. (On his death bed, protector told me I could do it without him. He was right. Why did I need him again? I should fought the alien dudes and then you could've lived you dumbass!)

I am at the end of the movie with no idea what my alien origins are, a blonde female sidekick, a lapdog nerd friend with a missing father complex, and a vague sense that I need to "protect the world". I am Superman. I am, wait...there's 6 of us. I am f&*$ we're at the end of film and all we did was kill a small team Star Trek rip off, gun toting Emo cousins?

All kidding aside, this film wasn't THIS bad. But you now have a pretty good idea what the dialog was like. The scenes accompanying them though actually accomplished moving the plot with clear purpose. The thing that destroyed this film, other than the IQs of the characters, was the lack of set-up.

This film would've been much better had there been foreshadowing, clues for the characters to uncover, and BITS of back story about the characters revealed incrementally throughout the film. The grand slam approach this film seemed to unintentionally take revealed important facts about people and the story all at once without any audience anticipation. There was nothing holding our attention while the intervening dialog (which in itself is enough to make you want stab someone's eye out) was taking place. This was unfortunate because I feel like people still left the film able to talk clearly about what happened.

Alien planet was decimated by a power hungry rival alien race now seeking to enslave earth. The only serious opposition are these 9 aliens originally meant to protect their home planet and given their badassness at the end of the film it's easy to see why they'd want them removed from the picture first. Number 4 feels outcast, antsy, and hor-I mean prone to love. His geek friend finds meaning again through him because he vindicates his father's belief in aliens and represents potentially finding him again. Pretty girl likes him because he won't hold her to her old cheerleader identity that high school is shunning her for abandoning.

Sounds like a good movie with decent characters right? The action sequences were the best I've seen in years. I hate it when films have these super awesome heroes who only manage to flip a car. Come on, we're a spoiled viewing public. I Am Number Four at least knew to bring out the indulgent, creatively over-violent action! Other than that, this film was a good example of how plot without premise makes for a much less interesting movie. Oh, and before I let you go- the form taken at the top of the piece was partially to illustrate the stupidity of the title and dialog, but also to ask why does Alex Pettyfer speak like he's just had his tonsils pulled out? I mean, dude, I know you're British, but lesser Brits than you have pulled off an American accent. Are you just genuinely speech challenged?

Not Seeing the Sequels,
Jamin